


Back to You

by themoonandotherslikeit



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Amnesia, Angst, Drama, F/M, Love, Pain, otp
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-29
Updated: 2019-04-24
Packaged: 2019-12-26 02:59:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 14,205
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18274418
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/themoonandotherslikeit/pseuds/themoonandotherslikeit
Summary: On a case, Sam Winchester saw a friend that he hadn't seen in over ten years, Freya Scott. Freya was a blonde, fiery hunter with a serious skill set. With her, Sam starts to remember the possibilities he has outside of hunting, but when an accident rips them apart, will Sam ever be able to love anyone again? Will he be able to make it back to her?** Going to try to update weekly by Sunday at the latest!





	1. Prologue: The Place I’ve Never Been, and The Girl I Don’t Remember

Freya

_5 Years From Now_

The winter air was numbing as it blew large snowflakes that blanketed the streets. I pulled my stocking cap over my ears, to protect them from the bitter air. I looked both ways before jogging across the street at the cross walk. The snow was new, and it hadn't been disturbed and turned into gray slush. It made the streets seem quieter, padded, and secluded. I blinked a few times, and my eyelashes caught small ice crystals and snowflakes that littered my vision with sparkles. My fingers were numb, and I flexed them a few times, wishing I'd remembered my gloves.

I pushed my way into a coffee shop across the street to get a little warmth before I headed back to my job at the law firm. I was an assistant to a lawyer, Jason Cleft, who was currently on a family vacation. He wasn't supposed to be back until later tonight, but with the weather I wasn't so sure. I really had no reason to hurry back to the office.

The shop smelled like coffee, and a waft of warm air surrounded me like a hug. I immediately pulled off my stocking cap, shaking my long blonde hair to get any snow that was stuck to my hair. I ordered a large vanilla latte, and I shrugged out of my coat. I picked a place by the window so I could watch the snow. It was getting harder to see the cars driving by, and the people skittering through the busy streets of New York City. I glanced at my watch. It was getting late, and with the weather I decided it was best if I just finish my work here. I was only a few blocks from home, and I'd have to catch a cab to make it back to the office. I pulled out my laptop and shot my boss an email.

There was something romantic, and peaceful about a coffee shop in a storm. I put my headphones in and pressed play, letting the music enter my ears and flow through me, lighting me on fire. I took a sip of my latte and spread out my papers in front of me. I had Jason's schedule, his upcoming cases, his lunch orders for the week, and his kids activities schedule. I slid my reading glasses on my nose, staring at computers all day was honestly exhausting, and it gave me headaches if I didn't wear them.

I squinted and began editing his personal calendar. I was in the zone, typing away, editing his emails, making his lunch orders, and organizing his documents. I didn't even notice the man sit down at the two person table across from me.

He clearly wasn't from here, because if he was he would know the number one rule is to not sit with another New Yorker. We are traditionally pretty snotty, overworked, and sick and tired of people bumping into us, but its New York so there will _always_ be someone bumping into us. I pulled out a headphone and glanced at him over my computer screen.

He was insanely tall, I could tell by how he towered over me even in a seated position. He wore a green plaid shirt under a canvas coat. his green eyes seemed to glow under long, lush lashes. He looked tan despite the winter chill, and his cheeks were covered in sprouting hairs. His hair was shoulder length, and blown from the wind. His mouth was hanging open, and his eyes were wide. He honestly looked like he'd seen a ghost.

"Can I help you?" I asked, eyeing him.

"Freya?"

I narrowed my eyes. "Who?"

"Freya… it's me. It's Sam." He reached forward and took my hands in his. They were warm despite the cold, and rough with callouses.

"I think you have me confused with someone else. I don't know any Sam." I stared at him through my readers. "And I don't know anyone named Freya."


	2. Kansas

Freya

I adjusted by red lipstick in my rearview mirror. _Check one, sex appeal._ I ran my fingers through my long blonde hair, and adjusted my breasts in my bra. Half the time, the cops didn't check my badge as much as they did my rack. Why not use it to my advantage? I opened my car door, my ankle boots crunching the autumn leaves under my feet. It was warm for mid-October, but the air was still cold for my taste.

I pulled my leather jacket together, and rested my aviators on my nose. I jogged across the street to the crime scene, ducking under the yellow tape.

"Can I help you?" A heavy male cop asked me. I observed the top button of his pants were undone, maybe from a big lunch.

"FBI." I said, pulling my badge out from my coat.

"What?" He groaned. "Two of you aren't enough?"

I raised an eyebrow, and I scanned the crime scene in front of me. Female victim in the leaves, her throat was ripped out. There were several cops, and forensics surrounding the crime scene, picking up items that were likely useless. Then my eyes landed on two men in black, cheap suits. Their backs were to me. One man had short hair, his hands were in his pockets. He was tall, a little over six foot, and his hands were lazily pushed into his pockets. I could make out the outline of his gun in the back of his pants. His partner turned, he was about three inches taller, with shoulder length shaggy hair, he held a notepad in his hand and he was scribbling away.

They were no FBI agents.

There was something oddly familiar about them. The closer I got the more I saw it.  _No fucking way!_ He was right there in front of me, like a ghost. He pushed his hair behind his ear. 

I grinned widely, and walked straight to the taller of the two men. I grabbed his shoulder roughly. “Agent."

He turned in surprise, and after a brief pause a smile grew on his lips, raising his cheeks, and brightening his green eyes. "Freya?"

"Kansas!" I said, punching him in the arm playfully. "Holy shit, I thought that was you."

"Who is this?"

"Dean, this is Freya. I knew her when I was… what? A Freshman in high school?"

Sam Winchester. A blast from my past was an understatement. 

"You a cop?" Dean asked quietly, looking me over.

"Just like you are." I said carefully.

Dean nodded knowingly. 

“So, since you beat me here want to catch me up on all of this?” I asked, gesturing to the dead woman.

“Haven’t got much to tell, yet.” Dean said. “Could be our thing, or could be a rando in bath salts. We have ran into that before.” He laughed smoothly. “Zombie my ass.”

”Well what _do_ you know?”

"Maybe we should get a drink and I can catch you up?" Sam offered, a little too eagerly.

The corner of my mouth tugged upwards and I nodded. "Yeah." I agreed. "That'd be nice, but I'm sure you won't mind me taking a look around first. No offensive, I’m sure you were thorough."

"Not at all." Sam said with a nod.

I walked to the body and pulled out my rubber gloves from my pocket. I heard Dean grunt behind me. _Fucking amateurs._ I squatted down next to the body and examined it. She was pale, and dressed in a nice outfit. An expensive dress, and pearls. She only wore one high heel, but even with the mud caked on I could still see the name brand on the underneath. I made my way up to the wound on her neck. It was hasty, unplanned. It was ripped open, blood pooling on the brown leaves under her. She was hastily covered with leaves. This wasn't a planned attack.

I frowned, glancing around to see if anyone was paying attention to me. Sam and Dean seemed engrossed in something else between the two of them, so I reached in, under the base of her neck and pulled out a long, sharp tooth.

"Let's get out of here." I said, standing up, hiding the fang in my palm.

Sam nodded to me, and we ducked from under the tape. Once we were out of earshot from the other officers I turned to Sam. "It's definitely a vamp."

"Definitely?" Dean asked suspiciously.

I understood. Hunters don't always trust other hunters. I shrugged and tossed him the bloody tooth. "What's that look like to you?"

Dean caught it out of the air and squinted at it. "Ya got me. It's a vamp fang."

The guys walked with me to my car, and I leaned against my car, with my arms crossed. "She was wearing three hundred dollar shoes. What was she doing walking through a park?"

"You think that's relevant?"

"You don't?"

"There are a few other Vic's at the morgue that I can check out if you two want to look into her..uh.. shoes." Dean winked at Sam.

"Sounds good." Sam said with a shrug.

"Fine. I'll drive." I said unlocking my car with the remote on my key chain. Sam got into the passenger side, and I slid into the drivers side. "Mind researching over some food? I'm starving."

"I could eat."

"Sam Winchester." I said, shaking my head. "I haven't seen you in, what 10 years?"

"Something like that. You're still in the life?"

"Yeah, and so are you."

 

_10 years ago_

 

"I can't believe this. Seriously?"

"Seriously, kid." Dad said, with his hand on my shoulder.

"You're not taking me with you."

"I'm not, kid. John needs my help. It's too dangerous for you. You're gonna stay here with little Sammy. Watch out for each other. We will be back in a couple days." Dad leaned forward and kissed the top of my head before following John Winchester out into the night.

There we were, Sam and I, standing in an old motel room alone. "So, Freya..." He said awkwardly.

"We don't have to talk." I said, grabbing my bag.

"Where're you going?" he asked, walking toward me.

"Anywhere but here. I'm not going to sit around this motel room and wait for them to decide to come home." I walked to the motel room door and swung it open.

"Freya." He said, calling after me.

I turned, with my hand still on the doorknob. "What?"

"Can I come with you?"

I shrugged. "Okay, Sammy."

"It's Sam." He said with a frown, as he tossed his backpack over his shoulder.

"And you can call me Atlas." I winked at him.

I jogged out the door, and he chased after me, keeping pace. "Atlas? Why?"

"It's way more badass than Freya." I said, making it onto the sidewalk. "We travel the world. Like... Atlas makes sense to me."

"I guess its kind of cool. Should we make me a name?"

I looked back at him, walking backwards. We didn't know where we were going, just that it was away from here. "Where are you from again?"

"Kansas."

"There ya go, Kansas." I grinned at him.

"That seems kind of lame."

"It's not." I shrugged. "Having a home... that's the dream.. isn't it?" I said walking to a park that was on the side of the road. I climbed up on the slide, and sat at the top, looking down at Sam.

"Yeah." He said, standing at the end of the slide. "I've always wanted that, too."

"Maybe we can stop. Four years til I'm eighteen, then I can get out of here." I'd never said the words out loud, but looking at him made me want more. He was so innocent, with his shaggy hair and his Fiddler on The Roof t-shirt. Little Sammy Winchester. I smiled a bit. "So, Kansas. What about you?"

"I.. I want to go to college." Sam said looking up at me.

"What would you study?"

"I don't know... maybe English?"

I laughed, and he curled into himself a bit. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't laugh, but you know what it's like to be poor, Sam. If you go to college pick something that'll make a lot of money. Be a doctor, or a lawyer. Or an accountant or something."

Now it was Sams turn to laugh. "An accountant? Me?"

I shrugged. "I don't know you very well. You seem.. boring enough."

"Hey!"

I dug into my backpack and pulled out a Twix bar. "Want half?"

"Sure."

I tossed half down to him.

"I'm not boring, by the way." He said, biting into the candy bar.

"That's what all boring people say." I eyed him, stretching the caramel from the candy bar.

"Well then, get to know me." Sam said with a small smile.

"He flirts." I said, sliding down. He caught me at the bottom, standing at the exit of the slide.

"In a socially awkward kind of way."

"It's kind of cute."

"Cute." He mumbled to himself, within a small smile.

_Present_

"So that's the famous Dean?" I said, sitting at the table across from Sam.

"Yeah, that's him."

"So you didn't go to college?"

"I did."

"Decided to go with English after all?" I teased as I sipped my water that the waitress had given me.

"No." He laughed a bit, dimples poking in both cheeks. "Actually went the lawyer route. Stanford."

"Wow." I grinned widely. "And yet you're still flashing fake FBI badges."

"Can't ignore my true calling."

"I hear that." I reached down for my bag and pulled out my laptop, Sam did the same. "Alright, let's get to the case." I said, peeling my eyes off of my old friend.

"The vamp could've been in the park, hunting."

"I don't think so." I said, typing into Google. "If it was hunting, then why leave the mess?"

"It's a monster, Freya, you think it's organized?"

"Maybe not if it's new." I admitted, shrugging. "But when monsters want to stay alive they go under the radar. They don't kill women in parks, and they especially don't murder people who will be missed, and she..." I said turning the laptop to her open Facebook page. "She will be missed."

He pulled the laptop toward him. On the screen he would see the life of a woman. She had a good job, not quite good enough to buy three hundred dollar shoes. She is a woman who works hard for an image. For a set of pearls and a pair of name brand heels.

"She posted about a secret club." He said focusing on the screen. "Looks like it's pretty elite."

I got out of my chair, and sat next to Sam so I could see over his shoulder. "Click into her messages."

He clicked in and the top was a message from another woman, Louise. It was about the club.

"There we go." I said tapping the screen. "Mango dance. That's the password for the whole weekend." I met eyes with Sam. "Hope you brought your tux, Kansas."

"You asking me on a date?"

"You wish." I said pursing my lips. He wasn't a little boy anymore. He was something else all together.

 

Sam

 

"So, you gonna tell me about the cute blonde?"

"I met her when I was 14," I began, adjusting my bow tie.

"Come 'ere Sammy." Dean said, gesturing for me.

I walked to him and he tied it for me.

"Dad was on a case with her father."

"He was a hunter?"

"Yeah. They left us together for a few days. She was really cool." I shrugged like it wasn't a big deal. Like seeing her again wasn't rocking my world.

"She seems like a good hunter."

"She is. She always has been... although, I'm surprised. She always said she wanted out of the life."

Dean released my tie and patted my shoulders. "You said that, too, Sammy."

"Yeah, I know. Guess you never really get out."

Deans face wilted in front of me. He looked disappointed. "I never wanted this for you, ya know? Ever since we were kids I always just wanted you to be able to be a kid. To go to school... Sorry I pulled you back into this."

I smiled at him, and slapped his shoulder. "Hey, no chick flick moments. Remember?"

"Yeah." He said, forcing a grin on his face. "No chick flick moments, but seriously. You gonna hit that? She has a thing for you."

"Dude!"

"What?" He tilted his head to the side innocently. "You don't have a lot of game, man. You've gotta play the cards you're handed. That's all I'm sayin."

"Whatever."

"One more thing." He said, sticking his fingers in my hair, trying to push it out of my face to the side.

I swatted his hand away. "Seriously, man."

"Just tryin to help." He said with a shrug.

A swift knock came to the motel door and Dean swung it open. "Well hello Blondie."

"Dean." Freya said, annoyance littering her voice. I turned toward her and she smirked. "Hey, Kansas."

She wore a long, tight black dress that hugged her every curve. She wore the same red lipstick from earlier in the day and her blonde hair was pinned to the side, and curled to cascade down her shoulder. Her dress was so tight I couldn't figure out where she was hiding her weapons.

I felt my face heat up. "Hey Atlas." I said instinctually. "You clean up nice."

She snorted and gave me a nod. "You too."

"And I look great. We all look great." Dean said eyeing us. "You two ready to crash a party?"

She offered her arms up to us. I looped my left arm with her right, and Dean looped his right with her left. "Typical Saturday night." She said smoothly. "A man on each arm."

The club looked sketchy, if I was being honest. We approached the back door and a man clad in black stood at the back door. I felt my blade rub against my calf as I walked, and the weight of Freya's arm in mine. "Password?" He asked.

I tried to watch his mouth, for any signs that he was a vamp, but his teeth looked normal to me. "Mango dance." Freya said, leaning into me.

The guard grunted and unlocked the door, opening it to a lively club. There was music, but not in the way a dance club is. Everyone was sipping expensive wine, or whiskey and leaning into each other talking in hushed tones.

"This is kind of boring." Dean said low enough for only the three of us to hear him.

"Let's split up and see if we can get any intel." Freya said calmly.

We nodded to her and split our separate ways. I walked through the room, trying to eaves drop, and catch any bit of information that would be useful. I was wrong. It was a dead end. They were all talking about golf, or the Grammys. Who was sleeping with whose wife. Who had a mistress.

 _Is this what people are like when they have money?_ It was kind of gross. "Hey there," A red headed woman purred as she rested her hand on my shoulder. " _Handsome_." She drawled out in a southern accent.

I raised my eyebrow. "Uh, hi."

She was at least twice my age.

"I haven't seen you here before."

"First time." I said with a sideways smile.

"I could tell." She smiled. Her breath smelled like peppermint and menthol cigarettes. "I can always tell."

"Can I ask you a question?" I asked, leaning in.

"Anything for you."

"Do you recognize this girl?" I said, showing her the victims picture on my phone.

The woman frowned. "She was here last night. I didn't like her one bit. I could tell she wasn't from money. I can always tell."

"So she was a new member, too?"

"Why are you asking?"

"I talked to her once. Didn't like her. I wanted to know if this is the kind of place that accepts her kind." I rattled off my best lie I could master.

This seemed to relax her. "It wasn't her first time, but she was new. Only been coming for about a week. Glad to see her not here tonight. She reeked of desperation."

I could see Freya from a few feet away. She was surveying the room, her hickory eyes scanning, searching for anything out of the open. She met my eyes, and gestured to a door in the back that was roped off by a velvet VIP rope.

"It was so nice to meet you, but I, uh, have to go to the bathroom." I said, scurrying away from her before she could follow me. "What do you think?" I asked Freya when I caught up with her.

"I don't know." She admitted. "But I've seen some people slipping into the back room. I have a gut feeling, Sam."

I nodded. "Okay, lets check it out."

We walked up to the back door, arm in arm. "What's the password?" The guard asked.

I glanced at Freya. _We are so screwed._ "Pearls." She said, pursing her lips.

The man nodded. _How the hell did she know that?_

He opened the door. It was to a long hallway. At the end there stood another door. "How did you know that?" I asked her quietly.

"I'm good at reading lips." She shrugged like it wan't a big deal.

"You ready for this?"

She stopped me, taking my forearms in hers. She's met my eyes before leaning down to pull a blade out from under her dress. She took the blade and hid it behind her clutch in her hand. "Now I am." She smiled at me.

"Me too." I said, showing her the blade in my sleeve.

Nothing could've prepared me for the sight inside of that room.

There were lush crimson arm chairs and couches, and wooden floors. The light was low and there were candles lit on every surface. I felt frozen at first, but Freya pulled me forward.

There were women and men laid out on the couches and chairs. Some looked unconscious. Some had IV bags, and needles in their arms leading to bags that drained into blood bags. Others had open wounds that dripped into bowls or wine glasses. Based on the number of guests, there had to be at least 10 of them. The vamps were feeding on the guests, and we had just waltzed right into their nest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope y’all are enjoying the story! I’ve got the Prologue and the first two chapters done at this point so I will update weekly after that. Let me know if you like the story! Your comments FUEL ME. :) 
> 
> HMU on tumblr if you want to talk @themoonandotherslikeit


	3. Snowflakes in Her Hair

Freya

I glanced at Sam. He came to the same conclusion I did. I could tell by how his eyes widened in surprise and his upper lip twitched. We were outnumbered, and I was wearing a fucking dress. Looking the part felt a little frivolous now that I was up against a huge vamp nest. One of the male vampires was hunched over the neck of a catatonic woman wearing a deep blue gown.

Sams eyes were scanning the room for an escape. We needed backup. We needed a plan. The vamps eyes shot open, as if he could feel my eyes on his.

We needed to run.

"Sam." I whispered before the vampire let out an inhuman yell, alerting the rest of the nest.

"Shit." He mumbled, pulling out his knife.

I pulled mine out and we got back to back. We were so screwed.

The vampires moved from their feeding positions and circled us. I pressed against Sams back. We took a defensive position, our hands up, blades at the ready.

A woman pushed through the crowd, she wore a red romper, the legs were floor length and the neckline dipped almost to her belly button. She dabbed her lips, wiping off a bit of blood. Her long black hair flowed effortlessly down her back. "Relax." She said cooly to the group of enraged vampires. "Our guests won't hurt us."

"The fuck we won't." I hissed back at her.

"Hm." She responded, tilting her head to the side. "You hunters just don't have it anymore. All flannel and leather, shoot first ask questions later. You aren't suave, or careful. You walk right into our domain with no back up, and obviously with no plan."

"Who are you?" Sam asked.

"Raven." She said calmly, walking to Sam. "Why don't you put down the knife so we can talk?"

I swallowed, pressing my back harder against Sams. "We will put the knives away, when you put away the fangs. Oh wait, you can't."

Raven looked annoyed. She pinched the bridge of her nose. "We don't need to hunt anymore. A prestigious club. They walk right in and beg to bond with the creatures of the night. It's elite. They offer their veins and we are happy to oblige."

"They can't _want_ to be killed."

"They aren't killed." Raven retorted. "We have many repeat customers."

"Tell that to the girl we found in the park today."

Raven looked surprised. "I don't know what you are referring to."

"Sure you don't." I bit back.

We needed to stall. If Sam and Dean were as codependent as I've heard over the years he shouldn't be too far behind us. Not that an extra set of hands will help take on this mass, but it'll do in a pinch. It'll have to.

"The kill was messy, disorganized." Sam began. "Maybe she changed her mind and ran."

"Maybe she threatened to expose your nasty little game."

"Convenient for you." The vampire pursed her lips.

"I'll say." I said glancing around. No exit. We were surrounded.

"Does anyone know about this?" Raven asked, glancing around the room. The other vampires seemed to back down a bit. She was their alpha. "We do not kill."

She hissed, her eyes landing on Sam and I. "But tonight we will make an exception."

She snapped her fingers and the vampires lunged forward.

"Not on my watch!" A voice said from the door we entered in. Gunshots rang into the air. "Say hello to my little friend!"

_Dean._

The vampires he hit fell, weakly at our feet. "Dead mans blood bullets!" Sam grinned widely.

I lunged forward, sending my knife slicing through the necks, and spinal cords of the monsters within reach. Sam did the same. We took care of the ones that weren't hit, and Dean came to kill the ones that weren't.

I walked to Raven, who was hit in the chest. The bare skin pooled with blood. I raised my blade and in one blunt motion her head rolled to the side.

Sam offered me a handkerchief from his pocket, and I wiped the blood off my face. _What a gentleman._

"We should take care of the bodies." I said quietly, my heart pounding. “We need to clear this place out, too. I’ve got my badge in my bag.”

"Let us take care of the bodies.” Dean said, putting away his gun.

I looked up and met his eyes. "I'm a hunter." I said simply. "I clean up my own messes. I'm coming with you."

Dean nodded knowingly.

——————————————-

The boys had ditched their jackets and ties, and I stood barefoot in front of the flaming pile of vampires. There was no sense in making a grave for something that was essentially already dead.

We cleared out the club, flashing our badges. Explaining that there was a hidden sex ring in the back, and the club would be permanently shut down. They were all shocked. Their hands on their chests with a dramatic gasp, as if they weren’t letting vamps suck on their necks in their free time. 

Fuckin weirdos. 

I crossed my arms and we watched everything burn. The flames licked up toward the moon in the clear night air. The smell of flesh as the flames in front of us started to dull, turning everything to ash.

"I think we deserve a drink." Dean said with a grin, dusting off his hands. 

"I need a shower." I laughed, wiping a bead of sweat off my forehead. 

"Me too." Sam said with a nod.

"Meet at the bar after?" Dean asked.

"Sure." Sam and I agreed.

The boys and I were staying at the same motel. Guess we learned our ways by the same breed of man.

My body hurt, and I was fucking exhausted. It was nice, though, not hunting alone for once. I wondered how the night would’ve went if it weren’t for the boys. The Winchester’s. I shook my head. It was all just too weird.

Other hunters whispered about them. I wondered if they knew that. I’d have to ask Sam about all the apocalypse shit, because if it was true... then they do a lot more high level shit than a vamp nest.

I started to unzip my dress, to let out my breasts and let my organs fall back to their natural location, when a knock came to my door. I opened it slowly.

Sam leaned against the door frame. "Dean locked me out. He thinks he's funny."

I smiled a bit. I opened the door wider so he could squeeze past me. “Come in." I moved out of the way so he could walk in. "Is he always like that?"

"Pretty much."

"Well, he saved our asses tonight so I can't really complain."

"I can." Sam said cheekily.

"Can you help me with the zipper?" I turned my back towards him, looking at him over my shoulder. 

There was a glint in his green eyes. "Sure." He walked to me and effortlessly unzipped me, running his fingers down my bare back. Down the length of my spine. The hairs raised on the back of my neck.

_Damn it’s like he has an electric touch._

I turned towards him, holding up my dress with one hand. "You can use the shower after me."

"Deal." He said, his eyes lingering on my mouth.

 _Little Sammy Winchester._ I licked my lips. _Not so little anymore._

_10 years ago_

We looked at each other, my butt still on the slide and his hands awkwardly on my waist. He was cute. Awkward or not.

I leaned forward and pressed my lips to his.

Even as a kid, I knew that life was short. Take what you can get while you can.

I could feel his surprise against my kiss. He literally whispered, "oh."

I pulled away with a laugh. "Let's get out of here, Kansas." I pushed past him.

"Where are we going?"

"Everywhere."

_Present_

"Or maybe we could save water and shower together?" I asked, locking eyes with him. My heart pounded in my chest at the thought of his slick muscles against my skin.

It was a bold move, but I'd been rejected before. It'd be a strike to my ego at worst. Hunters were an odd breed. They were equally all about the here and now, about sex, but they also didn’t trust anyone. There was a trust element to sex, to laying naked and vulernable. Even a quickie in the single stall bar bathroom was a risk. Hunters didn’t let their guards down, not without reason. Not without need.

The way Sam looked at me, though, made me think he would say yes.

He leaned down and pressed his lips to mine urgently. I groaned, melting into him instantly, letting go of my dress. It pooled at my feet.

His lips were warm, and so fucking soft. Hunters were so rough, around the edges and otherwise. Sam was different. He was both the little boy I remembered, and the man in front of me. His hands rested on my back, the callous on his trigger finger tracing the length of my spine. 

I pulled back a bit, and he glanced down at me, his cheeks growing a bit red. "I showed you mine." I whispered.

He pulled back and unbuttoned his shirt slowly. I never knew a button down could be so erotic. He shrugged it off, and reached back and pulled off his undershirt, exposing his skin. _Holy shit._ I ran my fingers along his chest. The curves of his body. He used to be so lanky. I think wiry were his exact words. But now he was fucking ripped. I’d ran into women who slept with Dean, who described his thick form, but Sam wasn’t so easily obtained. He didn’t seem like the one and done type. He was obviously a hidden treasure. My fingers landed on his tattoo. I let out a breath that I didn’t realize I was holding and grinned. "Anti possession. Genius."

"One of our brighter ideas." He agreed. He pushed my hair behind my ear, and hooked my panties in his thumbs. "I don't want to talk." He whispered, gruffly.

My heart skipped a beat. He wasn't a boy anymore. He was a man, and I was way too into my throughts. I wrapped my arm around his neck, and met his eyes. "You got it, Kansas."

He picked me up by my thighs, and I wrapped my legs around him. I would let him take me, my body and my mind. I didn’t trust hunters, but he wasn’t just a hunter. He was Sam. He was my Kansas, the boy that got away. 

We were kissing, tongues exploring, and hands gripping each other tight. All the way to the shower. He turned on the water and stepped in, his pants still on. The water was hot as it ran over us, I rolled my back to press against him. His hair was soaked. Water ran down our faces, down my strapless bra, and down his bare chest. His tongue was soft against mine.

We'd kissed before, but this time we felt like different people. This was a different life. There was no awkwardness, no nerves, just two people finding ourselves in each other. This was a different life.

In this life I was about to sleep with Sam Winchester, and fuck was he wonderful.

I ran my fingers through his wet hair, tugging gently. He groaned in response. I grinned. "What?" He mumbled against my neck as he left open mouth kisses.

"It's just..." I pulled his face up to mine. "I thought we were pretty screwed for a minute. I thought we were going to die. I'm glad we didn't."

Sam grinned and pulled me to him again, kissing him hard. He reached behind me, unclasping my bra. The wet fabric fell to the ground with a smack. He eyed my chest hungrily and brought my breast to his lips.

I groaned, my back arching. I was drowning in him. This was a one night stand that I hoped I'd get to repeat many more times.

Sam

The sun came in through the blinds and danced over Freya's bare chest as it rose and fell with each breath. She was beautiful.

Images from the night before flashed through my head. Skin on skin. Groans. Names whispered in the night. My head was spinning.

Freya Scott, the girl who got away. The girl who I was determined to not let her away again. 

I reached over, pushed a lock of hair behind her ear, and pressed my lips to hers. "Morning."

Her eyes fluttered open. She looked a little surprised to see me, but after a moment of taking in her surroundings she relaxed again. "Guess we missed the drink with Dean." She yawned, the skin around her eyes crinkling. 

"I guess so." I grinned kissing right between her breasts. "15 year old me is so stoked right now." I mumbled, pressing my lips to her soft skin again. She smelled like the motel bar soap, and the image of my soapy hands running over her breasts flashed behind my ryes. 

Freya laughed. It may be the best sound in the world. "Really?"

"I always thought you were great." I told her. “Strong. Pretty.” 

"You were cute." She pulled me on top of her completely. "You still are."

I smiled and kissed her, feeling her warmth surround me as her legs tangled with mine. She arched her back, causing her breasts to press against my chest. 

A swift knock came to the door. "Hey Blondie, is Sam still with you or did you kick him out last night?"

I could hear his smug smile through the door.

"Shh." I whispered to Freya, trying to kiss her again. I didn’t want him to pop the bubble. I could stay in those sheets with her forever. 

"I can hear you two in there." Dean said through the door. "Come on, I've got a case for us. Freya can come along if she wants. Meet you both in ten."

Freya started to laugh. The giggles bubbled in her chest. She reached up and touched my cheek. "We're busted."

"We're so busted." I agreed kissing her one more time, deeply, just in case it was the last time. "Have anywhere to be? Sounds like we have another case."

"I'm a hunter. You know I can't say no to a hunt. I'll get dressed."

_5 years from now_

I stared at her. I couldn't believe it. It was her. I knew it was. "You look like someone I used to know." I said, wincing. She was there in front of me, but yet she was miles away. 

"I understand that." She said kindly, taking off her glasses. "Who was she?"

"She was the love of my life." I said, as if it could ever be that simple, as if words could explain. 

"Was? She died?"

"Yes."

"I'm sorry."

"It isn't your fault." I told her. I tried to memorize her face, the way she tilted her head. The way her blonde hair fell into her eyes. It was shorter now. It only went down to her shoulders.

Even through time. Through changes to her appearance. Through distance. She was still her. I recognized the way she chewed on the ear piece from her glasses when she was thinking.

"So, Sam." She leaned forward. "I'm Maddie."

"Nice to meet you." I said, taking her hand in mine. I could’ve sworn a burst of electricity shot through us when we touched.

I didn’t think I’d ever touch her again.

"Likewise."

"What... uh.. what are you working on?" I asked, not wanting this to end. I wasn't ready to let go. Not yet. Not ever.

"Scheduling. It's very exciting. What about you?"

"Me? I'm... trying to get away from the cold." I scratched my head.

"It's awful out there." She smiled widely. "You from the city?"

"No, just visiting."

"It's a beautiful place." She leaned in, her eyes meeting mine. "There's nowhere I'd rather be."

"I feel the same way." I said quietly. "Would you... would you be interested in having dinner with me? Maybe show me around town?" _Don’t be desperate, Sam. She doesn’t know you. She is gonna say no._

Her lips pressed together. She was considering it. "Yeah, okay. Eight?"

"Yeah." I said handing her my phone. "Put in your number. I can pick you up."

"You? You're not from here." She laughed. "I'll pick you up." She said with a smile. "Text me your location, but for now I really do have to get back to work." Her hands ran along her laptop. I eyed her bare fingers. Void of tan lines. Void of callouses. Void of me. 

"Okay." I smiled a bit, my heart aching at the thought of another goodbye. "I'll see you then."

_Eight pm_

She stood in front of my motel wearing a long coat, over a green dress, and a stocking cap. She looked angelic in the snow. I opened the door and walked into the night. "Where's your car?"

"No one drives in New York, Sam." She smiled widely. "Hope you brought your gloves."

I shrugged and pulled a pair out of my pocket. "Better safe than sorry."

She offered her hand to me. "I was thinking Thai food."

I met her hand graciously, lacing our fingers. "Perfect." _I'd go anywhere with you._

She smiled widely. "Let's go."

And I went. To the ends of the earth. I squeezed her hand, and I spun her, like a dance. She laughed, and snow flakes attached to her hair. I couldn’t stop looking at her. Heat rose to her cheekbones, and I tried to peel my eyes away. "Sorry, you just... you look beautiful in this light."

She smiled a bit. "Let's get some food, big guy. You've already got me out, you don't need to keep convincing me."

She released my hand and walked ahead of me. I had a feeling I would have to be convincing her of a lot of things, because she wasn't _Maddie_. She wasn't this person who believes New York is the most beautiful place in the world. She spun into me like she had a dozen times before that, with her hands open to the sky. She smiled in the same way she always had.

I would remind her. I would find out where she went. I would find out what I lost five years ago, and no matter what I would always find my way back to her.


	4. Someone Worth Having

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Take my past and take my sense like an empty sail takes the wind.” -Tom Odell

Sam

"Pass the chips."

I glanced in the backseat at Freya who was leaning forward between us, grabbing for the chips in Deans lap.

"Back off, handsy." He said, slapping her hand away, his eyes never leaving the road. "Sammy, I think your girl wants me."

"I'm not his girl." "She's not my girl." We said at the same time.

"Uh huh."

"So did you two just kidnap me, or is there actually a case?" Freya asked, sounding bored.

"There's a case." I said, clearing my throat awkwardly. I handed her the newspaper article.

"You guys still pick up cases from the news papers?" Freya laughed, shaking her head. "It's all online now, boys. Get with the times." Her eyes skimmed the article. "Okay, so guy gets killed and neighbor swears she saw the mans wife go into the house shortly before the time of death." Her eyes flickered to mine in the rear view mirror. "And the wife's been dead for six months."

"Sounds like our kind of thing." Dean said smoothly.

"Nothing gets passed you, does it?" Freya laughed, folding up the newspaper. "Any info on the dead wife?"

"She died of cancer." I said nonchalantly.

"Hmm. Could be a spirit, I suppose, but why not just pop up in the house? Ghosts don't exactly use the front door."

"Revenant?"

"Possibly." She said with a shrug. "Guess we will just have to wait to find out. How much longer do we have? Tryin to decide if I should catch some shut eye. I always have to drive on the road, downside to hunting alone."

"A few hours." I said.

"Rest easy." Dean said, eyeing her in the rear view mirror.

She rolled her eyes, slid on her sunglasses, and put in her headphones. They were so loud that we could hear her music.

After about twenty minutes Dean cleared his throat. "Yo, Blondie. Aye, can you hear me?"

She didn't stir.

"Man leave her alone."

"I want to leave her alone, trust me. Just makin sure she's asleep before I ask for the dirt." He wiggled his eyebrows. "You didn't come for a drink last night. Don't tell me you went..." He snorted. " _Out to eat_."

"Christ, Dean!"

"What?" He was cackling. It took him a second to contain himself before he continued. "You don't exactly stay overnight with women often, Sammy."

"Yeah, I know that." _She isn't just some woman_.

"So?"

"So what? You need a play by play?"

"Uh _yeah_. I sure as shit do. Sexy, mysterious, badass blonde from your past shows up and you get her in bed on the _first night_. Does she have a complex, or what?"

"You're an ass." I could feel my cheeks heat up. _Damn, Sam, fuckin cool it._

"You know, I think I remember her Dad. I was on that case with them. He was a bad motherfucker."

"So is she." I said smoothly.

"Yeah, I'm seein that." Dean eyed me. "Not tryin to pry, Sam. We just usually don't bring chicks along with us."

"You invited her."

"Well _yeah_ , dude. She's a hunter and she was practically undressing you with her eyes the whole case. I'm a great wingman."

I rolled my eyes. "I don't need a wingman."

"That's pretty obvious." My big brother grinned. "So... is she the one who took your precious flower?"

"Excuse me?"

Dean wiggled his eyebrows. "You know what I mean. Does she hold your V-Card?"

I groaned and sunk in my seat. "Just drive, dude."

 

_10 Years Ago_

 

"So where are we going?" I asked Freya, trying to keep up with her, my lips still tingling from her kiss.

"You don't know how to go with the flow do you, Kansas?" She turned back to me with a wide grin.

"Not really." I admitted.

She laughed and shook her head. "Then you must really hate hunting. I feel like it's all by the seat of your pants."

"That's an understatement." I laughed dryly.

"I was thinking about sneaking into a movie. You in?"

I shrugged. "Yeah, okay."

We walked side by side, my eyes locked on her hand swinging by her side. _Just do it. She kissed you! She obviously likes you. Just man up. Hold her hand. Dean would do it._

My pep talk wasn't taking me far, and I was mentally kicking myself for it. _What's wrong with me?_

We made our way to the movie theatre and hung by the back door. A movie was just letting out, and Freya slipped in behind a mother who was chasing her young child out the door. "Get back here!" She said desperately.

"Score." Freya murmured, grabbing the door. "After you."

I waltzed in through the door like I belonged there.

She looked like she belonged there as she walked past the theatres. "Ooh, yes!" She said, swooping out a large popcorn container out of the trash, and a cup.

"What're you doing?"

"Watch and learn." She grinned at me before walking to the concession stand.

"How can I help you?"

"I was hoping I could get a refill on my popcorn and drink."

"Of course, mam!"

"Is there any way we can get a new container?" She asked sheepishly. "My boyfriend dropped it on the way into the theatre and its been on the floor... we already cleaned up the spill. I'm so embarrassed." She covered her face like she was hiding a blush.

I knew my cheeks were hot, too, the moment she said _boyfriend_.

"I'm a klutz." I shrugged.

"Sure thing, mam. What would you like to drink?"

"Dr. Pepper." She said brightly, moving her hands from her face.

"You're an evil genius." I said, as we settled into our seats.

"It's a gift." She exclaimed, tossing a piece of popcorn and catching it in her mouth effortlessly. "Your turn." She said, tossing one to me.

I missed it by a mile. It hit my cheek and bounced off. I scratched my head. "Guess I wasn't joking about the klutz thing."

"It's cute." She murmured. "Hey, you have some butter..." She ran her thumb over my cheek and the slid it into her mouth. I swallowed hard, and leaned forward, swiftly pressing my lips to hers again in a soft kiss.

 

Freya

 

I stretched as we pulled up to our new digs for the night. "I'll grab the rooms." I said, tossing my legs out. "I need to change before we do the whole FBI Schtick."

"Sure." Sam and Dean shrugged.

I went into the motel and flashed my fake credit card. "Two rooms. One queen is fine in one and two fulls in the other, please."

I waited as she ran my card, tapping my nails against the counter. I sometimes wondered what it'd be like to be FBI for real. To be put up in a hotel that wasn't covered in taxidermy, or cowboy figurines.

"Here you go, Miss." She said, handing me the two keycards. "Thanks so much." I flashed her an award winning smile, before walking back out to the car. "Here ya go." I tossed the boys their key. "Don't worry, I got you a single so you can snuggle." I winked at them before grabbing my bag.

"Can I help?" Sam asked, eyeing my bag.

"I'm good." I said quickly, not even considering that he may just want some more alone time with me. He looked a little disappointed before I met his eyes with a wink. There would definitely be a repeat of last night if I had anything to say about it, but I knew if I brought that up now, Dean would be even weirder than he already was, and I didn't imagine that'd be helpful on a case.

"I'm going to get into my FBI gear, you boys meet me out here in fifteen?"

"You got it." Dean said, dramatically saluting me.

"God you're weird." I laughed, my eyes lingering on Sam, before I turned to my motel room.

Skinny slacks, nude heels, low cut blouse, open blazer, and lipstick. I fluffed my hair and stared at myself in the mirror. People always said sex made your skin look ten years younger. That sex makes you glow. Well, fuck, I was definitely glowing. I powdered my cheeks again and met the boys in the parking lot.

"Hey, nerds." I said, hiding behind my aviators.

"Woah, blondie. What's up with the heels. Not exactly easy to hunt in?"

"Dean, clueless as ever." I smiled tapping my heel. "The end is pure silver. Cute and practical." I grinned widely.

"Genius." Sam said. Poor guy had puppy dog eyes.

Poor me, because I was eating it up.

"Where are we headed first?"

"Morgue?"

"To look at the man, or his dead wifey?" I wiggled my eyebrows at the boys.

"She's been dead six months, Frey." Sams eyebrows came together. "I don't think she will be in the morgue."

"Exactly. If she's a Revenant then she won't be in her hole in the ground. So Rock Paper Scissors? Loser has to check the grave site?"

Dean groaned. "I fucking hate this game."

"Boo hoo! Didn't know big brother Winchester was such a cry baby." I teased.

Sam grinned back at me. "I'll bite." He said, holding out his hands to start the game.

"Rock, paper, scissors." The three of us chanted.

Dean groaned. "Fuck me, man."

"No thanks." I grinned. "Guess you've got grave duty, Sam, and I will check out the morgue."

"Cheater." Dean hissed, before he winked at Sam.

I quirked an eyebrow. _Maybe he fudged the game so we could go alone together._ I smirked. _Sucker._

Sam and I went to the morgue, and flashed our badges. "What do you know?" I asked, my heels clicking on the cold floors of the morgue.

"Heart was eaten right out of his chest, and with how the blood is pooling...he was love when it happened." The mortician said, lifting the blanket off of the body. "We suspect an animal attack."

"Hm." Sam said. "Can I see the report?"

"Of course." The man handed him the folder.

I pulled a glove out of my pocket and slid my hand into it. I closely examined the bites. They didn't _look_ like werewolf bites. The heart was gone, but there was something about the teeth marks. They looked almost human.

"Can you give us a second?" I looked up at the mortician sweetly.

He shrugged. "Yeah, I'll go ahead and have a smoke break. Take your time."

The door swung shut behind him.

"There are three other Vic's with the same MO." Sam said, flipping through the chart. "All of their hearts were gone."

"I know what you're thinking," I said slowly, "But keep your mind open."

"Okay. What do you have?"

"I don't think it was a werewolf. I think it was a Ghoul."

Sam raised an eyebrow. "A Ghoul? They don't feed on living flesh."

"Not usually." I said, gesturing for him to come over. "But look at these bites, Sam. These aren't werewolf teeth. There's no clawing... not like what we would usually see, and the neighbor saw his wife. I know they don't usually eat on live flesh, but what if this time they _are_."

He looked from the corpse up to my face. "Yeah, okay. I'm in. What's our next move?"

"Hunt the motherfucker down." I grinned widely. Maybe having hunting buddies wouldn't be so bad after all.

"Dean, what do you have?" Sam asked, clicking the phone on speaker.

"A whole bag of nothin, Sammy. The body is gone. Fuckin gone, man. Maybe shes a Revenant after all."

Sam and I locked eyes. _Maybe this wouldn't be as cut and dry as we thought._ I sighed. "Back to square one?"

"Not quite." Sam said slowly. "Meet us back at the motel in twenty, Dean."

"Yeah, _sure_ Sammy. Let me just rebury this grave and skip along back to you. Yeah, fuck off man. You'll see me when you see me." _Click._

"Man, he's in a bad mood." I frowned.

Sam shrugged. "He always loses Rock Paper Scissors. He turned toward me with an award winning smile, his dimples poking little craters in his cheek. His smile was infectious, I couldn't help but give in to the tugging at the corner of my own mouth to meet his bright grin with my own.

 

_5 Years Later_

 

"So," I watched at Sam, as I walked backwards in the snow. "What was she like?"

"Who?"

"The girl you lost. Freya, the love of your life." I said dramatically. I didn't know why I wanted to know. Maybe it was his sad puppy dog eyes. Maybe I just wanted to know what kind of girl he was into.

"She was... she was amazing. She was brilliant, fast, strong.. beautiful."

"And you thought I looked like her." I murmured. "That's quite the compliment."

He smiled sadly to himself.

"What else?"

"She was... she was a terrible cook." He laughed, his breath materializing in front of him in a puff of white. " I was always the one cooking, but I didn't really mind. She only knew how to make macaroni and cheese, and even then, the pasta was always undercooked."

"How'd you meet?"

"We were young. In high school, but we were apart for ten years and reconnected... guess we just keep doing that."

"What do you mean?"

"Oh.. nothing." He smiled widely. "Tell me about yourself, Maddie. How long have you lived in New York?"

"My whole life." I said with a wide smile. "I love it."

"You don't have a boyfriend?"

"No." I laughed shaking my head. "Not in the cards. No one has ever felt... right."

Sam nodded knowingly. "I completely get that."

"It's hard to find something worth having."

I didn't realize I'd stopped walking until he was right in front of me, our warm breath mingling together in the cold air. He wiped a snowflake off my cheek gently, like he'd done it a thousand times.

"Hard." He agreed, softly. "But not impossible."

There was an intensity about him that I didn't expect. Maybe he was a poet, or a playwright. They were always coming to the city for their big break. They were tortured souls. There was something behind Sam's eyes that told me he'd seen his fair share of torture already. "Where are you from, Sam?"

"Kansas." He said softly.

I smiled to myself. "Well, Toto, you aren't in Kansas anymore."

He forced a smile, and I took his gloved hand in mine. "Come on, Kansas. No sense in staying out in the snow. Let's go get that Thai. I'm starving."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!! I hope y’all enjoyed the chapter :) Let me know what you’re thinking!! I’ll have another out in a week at the latest. Thanks for all the support <3 love you all.


	5. Deliver Me

Sam

We'd been pouring over the lore for an hour and a half before Dean begrudgingly pushed into the motel. He was covered in dirt and bathed in annoyance. His eyebrow was twitching. "Well aren't you two just _peachy_."

"Come on, Dean. Don't be cranky." Freya said, from her position curled in the chair across the room from the door.

"Easy for you to say, Princess." He grunted. "I need a fucking shower. Sammy, please tell me you've found something out."

"Not so much."

"I still think its a Ghoul." Freya said, shutting her laptop. "I mean, look at the facts. Missing body parts. Changing into someone else... the bite marks."

"The only thing is that there's no corpse. No corpse in the grave tells me Revenant." Dean said, still sounding irritated.

"Okay, lets just cool it. Either way, it'll be out hunting at night, so we need to get our shit together and start looking around before someone else gets hurt. Dean go get in the shower, have a beer, and get the fuck over it."

Dean shot me a look before rolling his eyes and storming into the bathroom.

"He doesn't like me, does he?" Freya asked quietly. She always seemed like such a strong and independent woman, it was honestly really weird seeing her care what my brother thought.

"I wouldn't say that. He wouldn't invite you if he didn't like you."

"Sam, no offense, but I kind of think you're full of shit." Freya said with a shrug, letting her feet land on the floor. She stood up and stretched. "Do y'all just need a minute? I kind of need some air." She slid into her boots and her leather jacket.

"Hey." I said, standing up. "You good?"

Freya reached up and poked my nose. "I'm good, Kansas. Don't worry about me. I'll call you and meet up in a bit."

_5 years later_

She sat across from me, sipping on her coffee. She glanced up at me through her thick eyelashes, and through the steam from her coffee. "Sam?"

"Yeah?"

"You're staring at me."

I could feel my neck heat up. "What? Oh.. sorry."

"It's okay." She smiled, sheepishly. Her cheeks tinting pink as well. "I don't really mind, just... is there something on your mind?"

I glanced down at my food. The noodles seemed to swirl around the bowl. I wasn't hungry. I was too fucking nervous being this close to her again. "You." I admitted. "Maybe that's crazy, but I just want to get to know you."

"Then ask me whatever you want."

"What have you been... up to?" _Wow, super smooth, Sam._

"That's a weird question." She laughed, pushing her hair behind her ear. "Just working a lot. Taking care of stuff at home."

We ate in silence for a few minutes. It wasn't comfortable. I sucked in my breath. I was messing everything up. She didn't know me. She was this other person. I sat my fork down and clenched my fists in my lap.

"Sam?" She murmured. I glanced up from my lap. Her eyes met mine. "Do you want to get out of here?"

I let out the breath I'd been holding. "Yeah. I'd like that." I sat some cash down and we walked out into the night. "Where to?"

"Thought we could go for a walk."

I nodded to her. We went back into the cold, the snow picking back up. It swirled around us, and quieted the rest of the world. "So, tell me about you, Sam."

"Well, it's just me and my brother now. We travel a lot."

"For work?"

"Kind of, yeah."

"What do you do?"

"Contract stuff. We're kind of gypsies." I grinned widely at her in the darkness. "Nomads."

"Sounds lonely."

"It can be." I admitted. "But there are a lot of ways to be lonely."

"That's true."

"We've been traveling like this our whole lives. Dad was the same way. He was a mechanic, but he couldn't stay still."

"So you never had a real home?"

"Home is relative." I said, shoving my hands in my pockets. "Home is with Dean. In the same car we've driven in our whole lives." _Home is with you_.

"That's beautiful."

"You making fun of me?" I shot her a grin.

"What? No! I'm serious. I live in a city of a million people, and sometimes I feel so lonely I could scream."

I pull my hand out of my pocket, and slide my gloved hand into hers. She locks her fingers with mine. "I'm from small town USA, I can't even imagine living in a place like this."

"It can be magnificent." She said softly, her breath crystallizing in the freezing night air. "But it can also be stifling. In a place this big its impossible to not feel small."

I looked at her knowingly, and squeezed her hand. Our eyes landed on a large tree. It was covered in a stunning display of Christmas lights. Was it that time already? At the base of the tree people were ice skating. I smiled widely. "Man, I haven't done that in... I don't know. Never. Probably."

"Never ice skated? Oh, Sam. We're doing it."

"What?" I looked down at her, alarmed.

"You heard me." She pulled me toward the gate. I fumbled for my wallet and handed the man cash so he could give us skates.

"I'm going to fall." I complained.

"I'll catch you." She said casually.

"I would crush you." My eyes met hers.

"No you wouldn't."

There was something about the challenge in her eyes. The flicker of life behind her iris. She was still in there. "Fuck it, okay. Let's do it."

"Yes!" She grinned widely.

She put her small hand in mine, and I wrapped my fingers around hers carefully. I cradled her hand in mine, and I wouldn't let go. Now that I had her back, how could I ever let her go?

 

Freya

_Present_

 

I walked past the Jack-O-Lanterns that lined the Main Street. Something was going on in the town, in preparation for Halloween. The air was crisp and it smelled like burning leaves. I pulled my jacket closer to me, for fear that everything inside me could come spilling out.

What was I doing in this town? With these two brothers that I met a lifetime ago? I'd heard about them from other hunters at the Roadhouse among other places. They were famous. They were reckless, and way too involved with each other. Nostalgia aside, this was probably a bad idea. There wasn't room in my car for another person. There wasn't room in my life, and just because the Winchester's had an open back seat didn't mean they had room in their life for another person either. Seemed like Dean was already regretting inviting me along, and when I wasn't standing under Sam's massive shadow, I was starting to regret it, too.

I turned down the street that the victim lived on. The town wasn't that big, so with the police report fresh on my mind it wasn't hard to navigate to his place of residence.

The whole house was roped off with yellow crime scene tape. I looked around a few times, ducked under the tape, and waltzed into the house. In the early hours of twilight the house was eerily still. I walked through the front room, and into the kitchen. The sight of blood stopped me in my tracks. Small yellow tents were placed around the scene, to show the different instances of evidence. Wrist and leg restraints on the kitchen island. Pooling blood. The kitchen cutlery.

I swallowed hard.

The report stated that there was no forced entry. _Of course there wouldn't be, if the intruder looked like his wife. Why wouldn't he let her in?_

I pressed my lips together in wonder. I scanned the kitchen, suspiciously. No one reported screaming. No one reported anything. It wasn't until she was later questioned that the neighbor mentioned seeing the wife. _Wouldn't that be suspicious? I would've called the police. Or checked in. Or something. Something. Why wouldn't he scream when he saw her? Unless he didn't let her in.. unless._

_Unless she had a key._

There was a soft thud behind me. I turned quickly, my hand reaching for my gun, but it was too late. Fuck. It always is, isn't it?

 

Sam

 

I didn't realize I'd been pacing until Dean came out of the shower, drying his head. He wore a clean pair of jeans and a T-shirt. "Princess bored of you already?" He asked when he noticed Freya wasn't in her chair across from me anymore.

"No, but she very well may be tired of you." I said, stopping to look at him.

"The fuck does that mean?"

"You're being an epic dick, dude."

Dean rolled his eyes. "So sensitive, Sammy."

"Don't Sammy me!" I snapped. "Why'd you invite her along if you didn't want her help?"

"We don't need her help, Sam. I invited her so you can get laid." He said flatly.

"Well, I don't exactly need your help with that." I met his tone and his eyes.

Dean and I never fought about women. Especially not like this. "What's it about her that's pissing you off?" I asked him carefully. "Really."

Dean sighed and rubbed his face. "You gonna make me say it?"

"Yeah. I think I am."

He groaned. Talking about feelings weren't exactly his forte. "Guess it didn't occur to me that you... I don't know. Like her?"

"What does that mean?" I raised an eyebrow. I didn't know what I'd expected him to say, but honestly that wasn't it.

"I thought it was about sex.. but watching you two, well fuck. Man you really like her, don't you?"

I pushed my hair behind both ears. "I mean.. yeah, dude. I guess I do."

Dean looked at his feet and shifted his weight awkwardly.

"What?" I asked him.

"Fuck. We don't do this shit, but fine, I'll say it." He rubbed his hands together before letting out an uneven breath. "Last time you found a girl... you wanted to settle down. Watching you two, well I guess it just occurred to me that if she sticks around you may... go. I know that sounds so fucking lame, and selfish, but fuck it's what I'm thinking. So sue me."

I smiled at him. "Dean, I'm not going anywhere." I laughed and shook my head. "Plus...Freya's a hunter. Not like she's just some regular girl. She's in the game. Has been since we were kids. You know hunters, they can't give it up, no matter what."

Dean met my eyes. "I can't believe I'm jealous of a fucking blonde."

"You're just mad that she beat you at Rock Paper Scissors." I gave him a large, shit eating grin.

"Shut up."

I shrugged.

"So what? Should we find your lady? I can apologize, I guess." He shrugged.

"Aw, you like her too, don't you?"

"Fuck off. I'm just a good wing man. Let's go." Dean sat down to put on his socks.

I rolled my eyes and pulled out my phone to dial her number. I frowned. There was a text from her. Three numbers. _911_. I swallowed hard. "Dean?"

"Yeah, yeah, I'm hurrying. Don't get your panties in a bunch."

"I think Frey's in trouble." I said, turning the phone to him.

"You tried calling her?"

I shook my head and pressed the green phone icon next to her name. It went straight to voicemail.

 

Freya

 

I came to, my head pounding from where I was hit. It was some goddamn miracle that I didn't have brain damage for all the times I was hit in the head. It happened more times than I could count. Usually, though, I didn't let monsters get the grab on me. Usually I wasn't so distracted. _And by a fucking boy. Wait to go, genius. Dad would be proud_.

I blinked a few times, my right eye was hazy, and red tinted from the blood that dripped down into it from my apparent head wound. I tried to move my arms, but they were restrained. My legs were restrained too, and I groaned. _Fucking hell. I'm about to be monster chow._ I struggled for a moment, yanking at the restraints, but they were too strong, and I was too tired.

I sighed.

As I went down, I clicked a message to Sam. The creatures boot crushed it in my hand after I clicked send. I hoped he would get it. I hoped he would understand.

The light that hung over me was bright and it obscured everything around me. There was a figure in the room, but I couldn't make them out because of the light. They were just a dark shadow behind me. I grunted and closed my eyes. It was over. I was going to fucking die, and all because I got involved. All because I crawled into the back of that fucking Impala, but yet, there was something else inside of me that was conjuring Sams face. He was a kid again, and then a man. He was pushing my hair out of my face, and kissing my neck in the shower. He was laughing, and his eyes crinkling in the corners. He was a release of a breath I didn't know I was holding. Something about him felt like the home I never had. Despite of everything, I would do it again. If he asked me. In that instance I knew that I would always climb into the back of that fucking car.

 

_5 years later_

 

I stepped out onto the ice and glided freely, my hand slipping out of Sams. I loved ice skating. It felt like flying. I went forward before turning around to make sure he was catching up.

The sight of this six foot tall giant gripping the wall, on hobbling newborn deer legs had me laughing out loud. I covered my mouth with my gloved hand as he narrowed his eyes at me. I shrugged and skated in a circle, goading him. My own inertia caused my hair to dance around me. I glanced at him through the blonde locks, and threw him a bright smile.

I watched him let out a warm breath into the icy air as he pushed off the wall. His ankles still trembled under his weight on the skates, but he managed to push himself forward. One foot. Then another. He smiled a bit, because he was getting it. First time skater and all, but maybe he was getting too cocky, or distracted, because he pushed forward a little faster. His toe must've caught a stray piece of ice, or maybe his ankle gave out underneath him, because suddenly this towering man was tumbling onto the ice.

I covered my mouth with my hands to stifle a gasp. He fell flat on his face, spread out in a X on the ice. "Sam?" I asked, quickly making it to his side. I dropped down on my knees and helped roll him over onto his back.

He groaned in response, when I pulled his head in my lap. "Hey big guy." I said, wiping some ice shavings off his cheeks. "You went down pretty hard there."

He looked up at me with hazy green eyes. "That was really embarrassing."

"It was kind of cute." I admitted with a smile.

"So _this_ is how I get your attention?"

"Guess so." I said, softly looking down at him. He was so familiar, but yet so strange. Like maybe I knew him in another life. "Are you hurt anywhere?"

"Nothing major." He said quietly, staring at me with stars in his eyes.

"Good." I exhaled, our breath mingling together, and before I realized it, before I could stop it, I found myself leaning down. I closed the space between us, pressing our cold, chapped lips together in the middle of the ice skating rink on a snowy December night in New York City, as if we were the only two people in the world. Because, maybe we were.


	6. I’m Not Going Anywhere

Sam

_5 Years From Now_

She kissed me and time stopped. It stopped right there on the ice, in the middle of New York City. In the middle of a snow storm. It was surreal.

I walked away from her, even though every atom in my body said not to. Begged myself not to.

_"I guess this is goodnight." She looked at me through her eyelashes, her face flushed from the snow._

_"I guess it is." I whispered, touching her cheek with a gloved hand._

_"Tonight was wonderful."_

_"It doesn't have to be over."_

_"Sam." She gasped dramatically. "Are you asking me in for a night cap?"_

_I smiled a bit. "No, but maybe we could go somewhere else. Late night pancakes?"_

_"Tempting." She admitted, leaning into my touch. She wrapped her arms around my neck. "But I'm afraid I have a life to return to in the morning."_

_"Pesky life."_

_"Mhm."_

_"What about tomorrow? Can I take you to lunch?"_

_"You want to go out with me again?" A small smile grew on her lips._

_"Does it seem desperate? I know I'm supposed to wait three days."_

_"I like it."_

_"Is that a yes?"_

_"That's a hell yes."_

_She kissed me again in the snow._

_There was something that always felt wrong about her death. I felt empty, but I always thought I'd feel different if she was gone. Like I would know in my soul that she was dead. There was an itch below my skin, into my bones, I thought she was alive. I just couldn't say it out loud._

"Where've you been, Sammy?" Dean asked when I pushed into the motel room after my date.

"Christ, Dean. Why are you sitting in the fucking dark?"

He dramatically reached over and clicked on the light. His gun was next to him and a beer was in his hand. "Haven't heard from you all day. Thought a monster got ya."

"Come on." I rolled my eyes.

"Hey." Dean frowned, standing. "You good? You don't look great. You're all flushed."

"Yeah, it's cold." I grunted.

He narrowed his eyes. "Don't lie to me, Sam."

I sighed. "Get me a beer?"

"Fine." He reached into the mini fridge and tossed me one, I caught it effortlessly.

I cracked the top off the beer and took a swig. "I was on a date."

"You sly dog!" Dean grinned widely. "Fuck yeah, you sure you don't need the room? I can make myself scarce for awhile."

"Slow your roll." I said with a sigh. "It's not like that."

"It's been a long time, Sammy." Dean said gently. "Why can't it be like that?"

How can I say it? How can I say it without him flipping out? I needed to just rip off the bandaid. "Why don't you take a seat?"

"Why?"

"Just do it, Dean."

He eyed me suspiciously, and slowly lowered himself down to sit on the edge of the bed. "Okay. What's goin on?"

"It's her."

"Her who?"

"Frey. I saw her today at a coffee shop."

He stared at me dumbfounded, his mouth hanging open. "That's impossible, Sam."

"I know."

"Are you drunk?"

"No, Dean. I'm not drunk."

"But you went on a date with Freya... the Freya?"

"That's what I said!" I snapped before pinching the bridge of my nose. "Sorry... I just..."

"How is this possible?"

"I have no clue. Honestly."

"You didn't make a deal, right?"

"I tried that before." I sighed. "You know that. No one would deal." I shook my head. "I didn't do this."

"Then what..."

I shook my head. "I don't know, but it's true."

"What did she say?" He asked softly.

"She... she has no clue who I am, Dean." I shook my head. "But she's in there. I know she is."

 

Freya

_Present_

 

"Hey, Frey."

_Sam Winchester_.

"Hey, open your eyes." His hands were on either side of my face when my eyes fluttered open.

His eyes met mine. Green, hazel, and red along the edges. I felt hazy. I didn't know where I was, but everything was white. "Sam? That you?"

He had scruff poking through his skin. Sadness within him, but he smiled. His eyes crinkled around the edges as he let out a trembling breath. "You're okay."

"Who are you trying to convince?" I tried to sit up but pain shot through my chest and I gasped.

"Hey, just lay back. Okay? Take it easy."

"Sam what..?" I looked down. White crisp sheets. A light blue gown. A tube in my hand. I was in the hospital. "What happened?"

"You don't remember?"

I shook my head slowly. "I... no I don't."

"Don't worry about it." He said forcing a smile. "Just rest."

I squinted. "Sam what happened?"

"Uh…" Sam swallowed, his Adams Apple bobbing in his throat.

 

_10 Years Ago_

 

"You look so serious, Winchester." I laughed watching him stare forward. After our movie we went to the river, and sat along the edge.

He turned to look at me and the red along his eyes caught me off guard. My mouth opened, but no words came out.

"I am serious." He sighed. "I guess it's just this life… Sometimes I miss school. Sometimes I like the fight, but mostly…"

"Mostly you just want more of this?" I asked with a sad smile.

"Yeah." Sam admitted. "I'd like more of this."

I reached for his hand and our fingers laced together. I rested my head on his shoulder. I knew a lot of things from growing up on the road with my dad. I knew that hunters died. They died all the time, most frequently under the teeth of a monster or staring down the barrel of a gun. I didn't want that. I didn't have the guilt controlling me like he did. Like Sam's Dad did.

It was hard to think about monsters when I was in a moment of such peace with Sam. We were kids; we shouldn't have worried about things like that. We shouldn't have been so damn scared.

 

_Present_

 

"You look serious, Winchester." I commented quietly, reaching for his hand. Old habits die hard, after all.

He laced his fingers with mine. His hands were bigger than they were when we were kids. They were strong and calloused. I stroked the callous on his trigger finger. "I am serious." He offered me a childish grin. I didn't buy it for a second.

"The Ghoul got me, didn't it?" I asked quietly, running my tongue along my dry bottom lip.

"Wasn't a Ghoul." He grunted uncomfortably.

"Revenant? Damn it, I bet Dean is gloating."

He pulled his other hand to my face and held it, to stop my head from spinning. "Frey it wasn't a Revenant."

"What… what was it? Shifter?"

His eyes scanned my face before he murmured. "A person."

"What?"

"We stumbled upon an honest to goodness serial killer. Cannibal." I could tell he was choosing his words carefully, his thumb stroking my cheekbone.

"Oh my god." I whispered.

Somehow that was so much worse.

_She stepped into the light. The fucking neighbor with her curlers still in her hair. She smiled wickedly at me. "You agents just can't keep your nose out of other people's business, can you?" She tsk tsk'd me, shaking her head._

_"Why are you eating the living?"_

_She raised an eyebrow and offered me a smirk. "Because they're so much tastier than chicken."_

_I frowned and tried to sit up, but I couldn't fight against the restraints. They were strong. "What are you?"_

_"Oh, sweetie." She leaned down, close to my face. "I'm an American."_

_I swallowed hard. "What the fuck does that mean?"_

_She shook her head and took out a large knife. "It means that I am hungry. I'm tired of the terrible over processed meat that we get. It's disgusting, honestly. I was on a trip, and I visited this small island village. It's where I got the taste. It was divine." Her eyes flickered to mine. "And you aren't a real agent, are you?" She pursed her lips. "I ran your badge number. It's a fake, so I guess I don't have to worry about anyone missing you."_

_"You'd be wrong about that." Sam's face flashed in my mind. I hoped he would bust in the door and save me, but I knew better. The Winchester's were a story among hunters. They were a legend, but in reality they were just men. It wasn't my way to get in the middle of the two of them in the first place. I can't assume that our time together so long ago meant the same thing to Sam as it did to me. Things had changed. We grew up. We were different. I couldn't expect him to care like I did. Like I was trying not to._

"I… I think I remember." I met his eyes. "I was in the house, and I had a suspicion that it was her, Sam." I shook my head. "She got in with the key, and she fucking hit me upside the head."

Sam smiled a bit. "You're too smart for your own good. Can't believe you went in by yourself."

"You can't?" I asked with a raised eyebrow. My head ached in response from where she hit me. "I'm a lone wolf, Sam. I hunt alone. I don't have a handsome brother to drag all over the country with me."

"Right." He mumbled, avoiding my eyes.

"I'm not mad." I sighed. "I don't remember much. She must've really hit me good."

"Sounds like she hit you a few times." Sam winced.

I brought my fingers up to my forehead and felt the stitches above my eyebrow. I sucked in my breath.

_"Why am I the bad guy? My neighbor killed his wife. You know that, right? He ignored her while she died of cancer. He was cheating on her." She frowned disapprovingly. "He deserved to die."_

_"You're a fucking monster." I hissed. "It isn't up to you to play God."_

_"Me? I'm a monster? Sweetie, I eat monsters for breakfast. Quiche with a side of thick cut, bitch flavored bacon. " She laughed outright and sent her elbow into my face to silence me._

"I woke up screaming." I murmured. It was coming back to me in flashes. "Help me sit up, Sam." I grabbed for his arm.

"I don't think you should…"

"Help me sit up or get out of my way." I snapped.

Sam pressed his lips together and slid a hand behind my back to help me sit up, pain radiated through my chest, and I gasped. Sam scooted behind me to help support me while I sat up, and I gratefully leaned into him. My hands shook as I unbuttoned the shoulder of my gown. I felt Sam look away, and I wasn't sure if it was because he was being a gentleman or because it was too hard to see. Likely the latter. I pulled away the gown to expose a large wound down the center of my chest, right in between my breasts. I'd been sewn back together.

"Fuck." I whispered. I'd been hurt before, there was no doubt about that. It felt eternal, sometimes. That we would always get hurt and live on the cusp of death. It was part of the whole hunter shtick, but this felt different. I turned my head, covering myself back up, to catch Sam's eyes. He quickly wiped a tear. "I'm going to be fine, Sam." I wasn't sure if I believed it, but I couldn't stand looking at him all weepy. He was supposed to be the strong one, not me.

"You almost died, Frey. Seriously it was really touch and go for a while."

"Sounds like every other case any hunter has ever been on."

"Not like that." He shook his head. "Not like that."

I reached up and touched his cheek. "I know we wanted a lot of things when we were young that we didn't get."

"That sounds more like the hunter life." He laughed breathlessly. "Yeah."

"I gave up a lot of things when I stayed in the life." I met his eyes. "And so did you."

He nodded solemnly in response.

"But the one thing I didn't give up is control over my own life."

Sam smiled in response and let out a breath that was sharp and quick. "That's the thing, though, sometimes we have no control."

"That's why I just take what I can get." I pushed his hair behind his ear and smiled weakly. "Take me home, Sam. Back to the motel."

"I don't know if that's best…"

"Listen to me." I whispered. "I'll take it easy, whatever, but I can't be here. I watched my Dad die in a hospital, and I know you watched your father die in one, too. Just take me home. All I have is this control. Please."

He closed his eyes and pressed a kiss to my forehead. "Okay, Freya. Okay. We can go home."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y’all so sorry this took me so long! I have so many projects and some serious writers block that I’ve finally worked through. Thanks for your patience with me! I hope you enjoyed!


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